two years from kristova leta

already it's two years since i wrote about the kristova leta, the Christ years. time sure flies. i don't feel much different. but i know i am. twice recently i've had close friends, who don't see me very often because of many miles between us, comment that i'm softer than i used to be. i'm not sure i would have come up with that particular word on my own, but i agree with them. that change is pretty miraculous.

i watched a tv show recently where a character insists to another character that people don't change. she was speaking specifically of a marriage relationship, but it got me thinking. because at first, i agreed. yep, that's true, people don't change. or do they? i realize i have. so if i can, why couldn't anyone else? i'm not that special.

but what makes people change? is it a determination inside of them? is it an ultimatum from someone else--parent, spouse, boss? is it an outside force? all of the above? i tend to think it's often a combination of all three and possibly more. external forces exerted on a person don't make change happen unless there's a willingness inside that person to change. and sometimes the inner willingness needs an external kick in the pants.

i know one thing: change becomes easier and more possible when there's an agent of change present. like someone or something we desire to be like, who actually works to make that change happen in us--who influences us from within. prompting change and inspiring it.

hmm. that wasn't what i meant to write about.

i realized and verbalized something recently that just sort of slipped by until a friend pointed out how significant it is.

a new friend asked the other day if i want kids. i paused and out came a somewhat unexpected answer. i said i can't really think of things in those terms anymore, because i'm past the age of desiring something and having the luxury of plenty of time for it to come to fruition. basically: in two days i'm 35 years old, without a boyfriend, fiance, husband. (and i'm not interested in making myself into a single mom on purpose.) healthy women can give birth into their 40s, sure, but...it seems overreaching somehow to continue thinking as i did in my 20s. it's an interesting place to reach when options sort of run out because of circumstances beyond our control. i can't control my age, that's for sure. i usually feel much younger than 35. i'm told i look about 27, which is super cool. but time marches on.

yes, i could get myself married if i wanted to. don't kid yourself: anyone who wants to get married, can. it's not that hard. ah, but marrying the 'right' or 'compatible' or whatever person, at the right time, well, that's another story.

the US is not the well of eligible, hungry-for-marriage men some of my friends believe it is. how do i know? i have several amazing, beautiful, loving women friends in their 30s (who would love to share their lives with someone) who are single. and they, like me, are pursuing what they are passionate about--in most cases, some form of a life of service to others. so, returning to the US determined to find a husband would have to mean, most likely, putting aside my passions and desires in order to be, well, desirable or marryable. i know, there are exceptions, blah blah blah. but be honest. i'm looking at the big picture and the examples i already see.

dating sites like eharmony exist to help those who are frustrated at not meeting enough people to choose a mate well meet more people. [i am so curious what the divorce rate of folks who met all those compatibility markers will be in 10 years.] i've been asked if i would do something like that. i did, once, for less than the money-back guarantee time of a week.

i decided that marriage would be, i hope, a lovely thing. but if it means forcing myself out of the calling and life that i'm pursuing now, then that's not for me. i would happily move into another phase of life if it happened naturally, but i'm not searching for it. i would rather not be seeking the next big thing, and instead living life well exactly where i am, and following this calling with excellence.

there's just too much to do right now without focusing on the future. sure, i have hopes and dreams. but should i sacrifice the opportunities in the present for them? i think i shouldn't.